You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. For instance, if they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

    Seeing a spider isn't a problem. It becomes a problem when it disappears.

    Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

    I have a question for paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?

    If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, nobody wanted them.

    I don't like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

    I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes it five years in a row.

    At the bank, I told the teller, "I'd like to open a joint account, please."
    The teller asked, "With whom?"
    I replied, "Whoever has lots of money."